MAULED LANG SYNE!!!

Above:  Aaron Amok, New Year's Eve at Dante's

 Yessirree, kids, we did it.  The unsavory taint of the Delusionaires has spilled into another year, marking twelve consecutive months of entertainment at its lowest.  Seems like only four seasons ago we first convened in a failing retail establishment, bonded by the common goal of getting hammered, scoring a few easy dames, playing one show, and splitting up.  Only the last part was a complete, crashing failure -- Brian, Nads, Jim, & Aaron somehow lost sight of the futility of it all and managed to remain a negligible force on the Central Florida musical scene to this day.  Perhaps this can be attributed to the constant state of getting hammered, scoring a few easy dames, and...

Anyway, it's been a helluva dozen moons, and god help me, it doesn't show any sign of letting up.  No rest for the bleary...  Join us now as we try to correllate the indignities that face us in this grave new whirl...

THIS JUST IN!!!
(Almost newsworthy as of August 2001) 

STRIFE BEGINS AT FORTY 

Don't wanna jinx it just yet, bein' as there's still a coupla days before it becomes a shocking reality, but if his wife doesn't off him first, our own Nadeem Ullah Khan will be celebrating four decades of debauchery this weekend.  Yep, I know he doesn't look a day over thirty-nine, but ol' Nads is hittin' the big four-nought head on, and there ain't a damn nothin' he can do about it.  C'mon out to the Rocket Saturday & pay yer respects to a man less young than he's ever been in his life...  If it's any consolation, Nadeem's recent experiment with shaving cream took a good 90% of the grey offa his noggin.  Guess we'll have to wait another year or so before we dust off the Fred Ziffel jokes again...

 
before
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ILL-EQUIPPED

Now, we Delusionaires each share a certain bit of grim notoriety for one reason or another in this lovable little town, but one accusation we never risk is ostentation in our instrumentation.  Translation: our equipment is sheer crap.  Here's the latest on the fate of our shabby setup:

Nadeem's bass has started to make some ominous creaks and buzzes, which we feared foreboded the neck popping free of its host.  Don't worry -- upon closer inspection, it appears that it's merely the back peeling off. 

Brian's drums... well, I thought I was gonna proudly announce that Brian had indeed genuinely fixed one of the pieces beyond his usual "toss another zip-tie on it & we're good to go" method, but it turns out the monumental repair job involved the mere addition of a washer to his hi-hat.  But dammit, it looks like a good washer...

Aaron's guitar took a turn for the tragic the other weekend when a structural screw went sailing down the stairwell mid-show, but ol' Blue should be fine...  A bit o' pilferage, and she seems to be as good as... well, she plays...

Jim's sax turns out to tell the most heart-rending tale of all.  Mebbe a few of you have thrilled to Jim's burgeoning "wacky sax" stylings, usually typified by a poignant squeak at the start of every break and culminating in a grey, breathless pallor on young Mr. Ivy at the close of each number.  A reluctant trip to the hack shack revealed a gruesome truth: the pads on the axe had completely deteriorated over time.  How much time?  Well, when the Tachikawa Thrush first scored Tootsie last year, he'd assumed she'd been hammered together somewhere in the late thirties.  Turns out that this particular serialization dates to 1925 -- yes, some jazzbo was playin' that when Chaney was shootin' Phantom of the Opera!  If it could talk, it'd scream...  The punch line: every single part on the damn sax is at least thirty years out of stock, and unless Jim takes up leathercraft & metalwork, there's a good chance that critter's squeaked its last.  Kick 'em while yer down department: to hold us over till the verdict, Lil' Jimmy has secured a rental unit, a ghastly, gleaming bronze nightmare that'd make Kenny G reach for the primer.  Keep yer shades on next few gigs, and try not to notice how extraordinarily shabby the rest of us look with our spit-&-baling-wire rigs next to it...

BRING ME THE HEAD OF DANA FASANO

Ok, we have this year's official Jinx Award.  I'm at the Bodhisattva, chattin' with my pal Dana (former Numb Right Thumb & Evidents, now in the sinuous Switchbacks), and he casually asks how my computer's doin', kinda bewildered when I assure him all's fine with my crackly crapbox.  I mighta known.  Not twelve hours later, ol' Faithless lapses into a deep, grisly coma, laffin' off all feeble attempts at resuscitation.  Bastard.  Well, obviously things are back to normal, but not before a week of e-solation and a good three clams worth of repairs and reparations.  Apologies to alla you sweethearts out there that've felt slighted & ignored in the meantime by my uncharacteristic absence from yer inboxes, but, knock on wood, hopefully I'm back on track again.  Broke as hell, too, so buy a record or somethin'...  Any of you out there wantin' to ask about the status of my cyber-status, do me a favor -- don't!!! 


FORMERLY NEWSWORTHY
(Ancient as of August 2001) 

Greetings, goofballs!  Yeah, it's been a while since I last polluted yer sinboxes, but you long-standing sufferers know the score -- we Delusionaires have been well-steeped in a dense state of hiatus for the last moon or so.  Hope ya dug that sweet silence while it lingered, 'cause I'm afraid we're BACK, pulse points primed to tweak yer tearducts & ache yer eardrums as never before.  One benefit of this cozy lil' layoff -- for once, we're positively stinkin' with news, providing ya's with a most welcome respite from the usual "I just woke up from a bender & remembered we've gotta gig" brand o' scrawl yer sadly accustomed to. So without further stalling... Well, gimme a second to toss together a Singapore Sling, come to think of it...
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 UGH!!!  Way outa practice with this particular libation...  Hopefully the next one'll be gentler on the tastebuds...  Last time I made one o' these was when Nora was over 'bout four years back -- anybody heard from that gal lately?  Miss that lil' bundle o' bile...  Yeah, I'm stalling, ya got me...  ANYWAY, here's the latest... 
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SPREADING THE SEEDY 

Alla you out there with even the most fleeting experience with Nadeem know he ain't exactly a paragon of promptness, but God help us, he's shown us all up this time.  We are thrilled, relieved, and most of all bewildered to report the rather early delivery of the newest Delusionheir, iddle biddle MILES KIFAYAT KHAN, who launched a sneak attack in the wee hours of Saturday, June 23 when Nads was supposed to be watchin' my dog!  After a protracted two-week siesta with the shapely nursing pool at Arnold Palmer's Baby Ranch, young Miles has safely and healthily come home to Khan Towers, handsome and healthy a figure as has ever been seen at that noble homestead.  Big, lurid kisses to Anne-Marie for making this all possible, and for giving the lil' critter a fighting chance at normalcy.  The kid ain't half bad to look at, either, for which Anna deserves another big, wet smooch...
baby khan
The blessed event...
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THE PRODIGAL SCUM RETURNS 
Just offa da wire -- late word has it that Brian Maguire has indeed safely returned from his month-long tour of the nation's American Legion halls, ending a dreary four weeks of drumless dissipation in Delusion Arms.  Beating all odds senseless, our boy clocked in a whopping 8,000 miles with nary a breakdown or breakup (the previous record being maybe 20 in Nadeem's schlock rod).  Welcome back, puddin'-- we've missed ya awful!  Don't forget to bring beer Monday...
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LOCK UP YER MUDDERS...
So, did y'all know that Nutrajetbroke up a coupla months back?  Me either.  Mootsville, baby, 'cause the gruesome twosome is indeed back in action, and to make the whole beautiful thing a herald of horror, the Nutrajerks have tapped us dismal Delusionaires to foul their nextest gig -- namely, (and write this down, numbskull), SATURDAY, JULY 14 at the BACK BOOTH, merely a police report away from scenic UCF on the corner of Alafaya & University.   C'mon out & display yer contempt for rational thought -- dunno when the next in-town fiasco's gonna be (the baby & all, ya know...), so spend the extra fifty cents on gas, ya bums.  Think of the five bucks you'll save on parking...
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GATOR BAIT
In yet another sad commentary on the state of broadcast television, the sour spell of the Delusionaires has spilled into the world of Cathode Entertainment.  That's right, friends, y'all's truly can be heard on the new ad campaign for GATORLAND®, "Central Florida's best half day attraction™".  The luvacious Heather Godwin called us up 'round the beginning of June requesting some sorta mood muzak for the latest television spots, and miraculously, the young lady  managed to find something usable in our archives.  No mean feat, considering all we had to offer were the kitchen-recorded outtakes from our controversial PISTOL WHIPPED session!  We still ain't seen it for ourselves (our TV time is sadly limited these days...), but it's been confirmed -- this critter's airing on WCPX Channel 6, Wednesday through Sunday, I think.  Tune in and thrill to the sound of one jaw dropping!  Keep yer peepers peeled as well as yer ears -- that's Nadeem's wobbly wheels foulin' up the pavement onscreen!  Hollywood, here we come...
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JUST THE FIST OF THE HOPS...
Due to... ahem... budget cutbacks, we here at HQ have been forced to downshift in the beer brand department.. Effective June 25, 2001, Jarvis Manor hereby endorses Schlitz Classic as the official lager of the stars, nosing out the long-standing favorite Miller High Life by virtue of a sixty-cent savings.  If ya haven't bought a record or shirt, I suggest ya do it soon -- I'm gonna be mighty surly if I've gotta slip down to Black Label...
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ONE CAT DOWN
It's with a sackful o' sorrow that we report the passing of a good friend to us all, the lovely Ms. Prudence Benanti-Chiodini, who passed on to her reward a week ago today.  Prudie never thought too highly of me, I suppose, but she was a true lady, and a class act till the end.  It's a sadder world without her, and I'll miss her horribly to my last day.  Deepest condolences to Carol & Ken Chiodini in this trying time, and to Prudence's longtime suitor Vincent, who never gave up trying...
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SOUTH OF THE BORDER
Heads up, hodads -- the taint of the Delusionaires is once again fixin' to leak outa the confines of the tri-county area, this time laying waste to the kegs & coolers of scenic Jacksonville, FL!  Thanks to the misguided efforts of the mighty Winthrop Fist, we'll be rattling the rafters of the Imperial Bar and Lounge in downtown Jax, supporting the raucous rhythms of The Stripe Set and Thee Monarchy Men.  More on this mayhem as it becomes declassified...  (Dennie -- this is still on, right?) 
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SLIPPED DISC
After some severe & stupid delays, the long-feared Delusionaires full-length flipster is set to be cut next month, featuring alla those hits ya don't know and we have yet to name.  There's some tipsy talk of it coming out on another label, which'd be sweet indeed in these trying times...  But either way, look for a projected September release date on this sordid spinner, providing we can corner that elusive engineer.  In a shameless bow to commercialism, this is gonna be a CD-only affair, I'm afraid -- the sales figures on the 45 were not exactly reassuring to the Zanzibar Records accounting department!  And yes, kittens, we're gonna be doing this one in an actual studio, it looks like -- during the pre-negotiations with the aforementioned label head, the one condition spelled out was that "it can't sound like the record..."!  Well, as long as they don't make us cut back on the beer....  Myron's son Morty Sinclair is tapped for the production angle, and there may be a coupla guest shots tucked in there as well. -- stay tuned and save yer shekels, kids!
HELLO...
Well, we here at Delusion Arms are thrilled to report that after a stupefying month-long layoff, we are BACK!!! It'd be sweet as sorghum to report that this hiatus was well-spent on niceties such as recording (hell, even PRACTICE), but you should probably know us better than that by now.  Nope, we've probably had about two full rehearsals since the infamous "fire incident" at the Copper Rocket (worry not, Ol' Blue's doin' fine...), we've just now "almost" booked recording time, and in attempting to learn a few new numbers, we actually ended up LOSING a couple of old standbys.  Eh, what'dya expect...  If it's any consolation, Aaron got his Film Festival duties all but wrapped up and managed to slip in a little romance in the meantime, Nadeem grew out some more of his controversial shrubbery (looking a bit greyer than last time 'round -- ah, time marches on...), Jim managed to not lose his job, and Brian did whatever the hell Brian does...
But anyway, as I said, we're back in action, with not four but THREE rippin' soirees that ya don't dare miss (check out the CALENDAR page for further elucidation, duh), each of 'em kid-tested and analyst-approved for maximum intoxicality.  Dig 'em all, ball, squall, and bawl!  Yer gonna wanna pack 'em in while ya can, 'cause...

... WE MUST BE GOING!
Naw, don't panic just yet -- we're not splittin' up or anything sensible like that!  Just prepare yerself for another little layoff suspiciously similar to the one yer sufferin' right now.  Within moments of the final squeals of our June 2nd shootout at Will's, our beloved Brian Maguire will be embarking on his solo tour of the American West, setting aside his sticks for the pounding passions of his American Legion card as he samples our nation's vast heritage of seedy dives and microbrews.  He promises to be back by the end of the month, so it shouldn't be any worse (or better, depending on yer point o' view) than our usual schizophrenic booking biz.  As long as he gets them drums outa my pad before he splits, that is...  And we may indeed slip in a gig or two in that time -- our ol' pal Dana Fasano has generously agreed to keep that stool warm in the interim so's the rest of us don't completely forget how to play our instruments.  No promises, though -- again, our booking angle is always a little on the sad side.  But like it or not, I vow we will indeed be back before ya know it, still trying to desperately unload our merchandise and cripple our ungainly forms while decimating kegs and coolers countywide...

CONCEPTUAL ART
We all knew the die was cast when saxo-fiend Jim Ivy birthed his gorgeous lil' Delusionheiress Tatum this past autumn.  Brian & Aaron have managed to resist the call (knock on wood), but ever-trendy bass-tard Nadeem Khan has boldly taken up that gauntlet and responded with a little magic of his own.  Yes, friends, you heard right -- the Pride of Pakistan has successfully impregnated local artist and disc jockstress Honeybee, with a projected fruition date of late August.  Look for a lot more grey beneath that fez in the upcoming months... Nothin' sez lovin' like a bun in the oven...

EAT 'EM UP!

They said it shouldn't be done -- but it's horribly, horribly true!  The long-threatened debut waxing of the Delusionaires is a shocking reality!!!  As you shudder at this very revelation, our fearsome freshman fracas "PISTOL WHIPPED" b/w the moody last-dancer "FIFTH KISS" has been stamped into luxurious drink-resistant vinyl, primed to wreak wrath on needles & hearts countywide.  Recorded under near-impossible conditions (a self-destructing reel of 30-year-old tape, three very suspect microphones, a rusty mixer salvaged from the old Star-Lite Drive-In, and one helluva lotta beer...), captured live in the confines of Aaron's kitchen (tape machine teetering precariously on the tiki bar, mixer on a barstool!), one-take-if-that -- yer lookin' at maybe the rawest ruckus ever to shriek forth from our fair city!  Yes, friends, exactly what you expect -- nay, DESERVE from yer pop-top sultans of sleaze.  Not for the squeamish!  Dreamy dee-luxe packaging -- leering crimson wax, lurid full-color sleeve, sure to win the heart of that special something come Valentine's day!  Limited edition (if yer comparin' it to the latest Mandy Moore ripper, that is...), so snatch 'em up while ya can!  Sleaze on over to our enticing STRIP MALL for more on this shameful affront to fidelity!
 
DELUSIONAIRES CENTRAL
http://www.delusionaires.com/
E-MAIL:
ajarvez@mindspring.com
 

SCORECARD:


SATURDAY, JULY 14
 BACK BOOTH
FRIDAY, AUGUST 3
 IMPERIAL LOUNGE (JAX, FL)